Worthiness, Defensiveness and White Fragility.

Imagine: Your partner tells you how you’ve let them down. Your boss shares a list of things they want you to do differently. Your child claims you’re a bad parent. A colleague mentions how you always start crying when your team tries to discuss race.

And instead of feeling hurt or angry and leaping to defend yourself, you feel grounded and calm. You take a breath and listen. Really listen.

You ask some questions. Your heart rate stays low. Your palms stay dry. You calmly think about what you want to ‘own’ and also what’s not yours to take on. You decide what you want to learn from the feedback.

Imagine thinking to yourself: Hmm. They’re right. I did do that and I shouldn’t have. I’m glad they told me so I can learn. I did something that I’m not proud of AND I know that I am a caring, kind and amazing person. I’ll commit to stopping because I love myself too much to keep acting that way. 

Your belief in your wholeness doesn’t waver.

You don’t descend into guilt, shame, blame, thought drama, histrionics. 

You decide from a calm and whole place what you want to gain from the feedback and how you want to move forward.

What I’ve described above is SO different from what many of us currently notice in our minds when we’re given feedback: 

• Shame can sound like: I can’t believe I did that! What’s wrong with me?! Someone else would have handled this so much better. I can’t get ANYTHING right. Why am I even trying? I’m an awful boss/employee/parent/partner. 

• Blame can sound like: How dare they bring this up? What a hypocrite! They’re not perfect. Don’t they see that they’ve done XYZ for years? If they actually SUPPORTED me then maybe I could accomplish task/parent better/be kinder/etc. 

Here’s the thing: there’s a connection between self-worth and defensiveness. I didn’t see it until I transformed my self-compassion and self-worth.

The more someone embraces their inherent worth and is kind with themselves, the lower their defensiveness. 

Those who do not feel ‘good enough’ or who are very self-critical are more likely to be defensive simply because criticism reminds us of all the ways we’re already hard on/don’t accept ourselves. 

(I see you, my people-pleasers and perfectionists. . . we know this experience well).

When we aren’t secure in ourselves, we unintentionally give authority about WHO we are to other people: our partners, our bosses, even strangers who cut us in line. Therefore, the slightest critique or comment can feel like an attack on our very sense of self. We spiral into shame.

When we aren’t loving to ourselves, we leap to BLAME others as a way of deflecting the pain or discomfort of the feedback. We haven’t learned how to love ourselves through mistakes.

However, when we develop an unshakeable belief in our worthiness and we accept that mistakes are human and can never change WHO we are, THEN we can love the heck out of ourselves and welcome feedback in a healthy way.

Developing these beliefs is also a critical part of becoming more racially resilient as a white person. White people who develop full belief in our worth can actually welcome feedback about our whiteness because it doesn’t challenge our sense of self.

If you find yourself in shame, blame or defensiveness, there’s good news: you can completely change how you respond to feedback and criticism. More importantly, you can completely transform your relationship with yourself. 

The first step is to become aware of how you speak to yourself (your thoughts) so you can change them into thoughts that support your growth. Then, you access your wholeness (embodiment in coaching sessions can help with this, as well as drawing on something larger than yourself–whatever that may be for you). Then, you practice. 

Before you know it, you’ve opened up incredible emotional freedom in your life and a sense that you are, unshakably, worthy and whole. 

IMAGINE what would be possible for you then. Be well, my loves.